Disappointed

I am so disappointed right now that I don't want to talk or blog or sit upright.  I want to cry and crawl in my bed for about a week.  Those who have followed the last few posts know that today was the day I was supposed to slide into the study/trial program, have my first infusion (whichever arm it happened to be), and finally be receiving treatment for the tumors that are so obviously growing.  As you also know, the deadline of 28 days from scans had loomed before us & kept us hopping, until finally it was confirmed yesterday by Darren (the study coordinator) that too much time had lapsed--barely--and I would need to be re-scanned before we could go on within this time window.  This was at 4:00 in the afternoon yesterday, and he wanted me to be at Huntsman, ready for new scans, by 5:30.  Tears, frustration, and anxiety, but with Dean at the wheel during rush hour traffic, we made it.  I was re-scanned (thankfully the study people agreed to pay the costs) and was scheduled for another brain MRI today in between doctor visits and the impending infusion.  I received a sweet blessing from my bishop last night and felt peaceful going to bed.  Felt like everything was going to work out for the best...
Went to Huntsman this morning at 9:30 and while waiting to see Dr. Khong, Dr. G's nurse, Karen, came in and told me to go get the brain MRI and then come back for the Dr. appointment.  So, off we went to the lab to get my port accessed, and just as Tammy, the phlebotomist, is getting ready to flush the IV, she gets a message from Karen to do a CBC panel blood test.  Lindsey asked Tammy why, since I had had blood tests done the night before and was told we didn't need to do them again.  "Well, sometimes something doesn't look quite right and they want to re-check the numbers," she said.  That's when my stomach started rolling and the anxiety mounted.
Went in for the MRI, praying not just for my brain, but for my blood.  Please, please, let it be right for the study...
Back to the doctor appointment, where Dr. Khong went over the results from the scans.  Yes, things I can feel are growing.  No, nothing new is showing up.  Then comes the bad news.  My platelet numbers are low.  Normal platelet numbers are 150,000 & up.  Last night, my numbers were 97,000.  This morning, they were 89,000.  The study required a count of at least 100,000.  No exceptions.  My white blood cells are also low.  Those are a concern as well.  I am officially a "screen fail".
It hits me hard.  There will be no infusion today or tomorrow.  There will be no calling the study people to be randomized for either standard care or PD-1.
But, there is always a plan.  Always.  Now, I wait another week and have my blood re-tested.  If the numbers go up, we are a go.  If not, Dr. G will probably want to do some sort of tests to figure out why, even though the recent bone marrow aspiration was supposed to determine that and didn't show any problems.  What can I do to increase the numbers?  Dr. Khong says, nothing--don't suddenly change anything.  Don't take new meds.  There really isn't anything you should be eating or drinking.  No, it isn't the Warfarin (blood thinner) that's causing it.  But, laughingly, he says, Exercise might help.  Exercise always helps. Lindsey says we'll all keep our fingers crossed and pray, and nurse Karen says, "I'll light a candle for you...to the patron saint of platelets!"
I feel like a lead balloon.  All the hope is falling out of the bottom.  As we make the appointment for next Wednesday to see Dr. G and get the new blood tests, I almost lose it.  Darren is especially apologetic.  He sees my distress.  He gives Linds and I meal cards to go have lunch at the Bistro.  Yes, I'm hungry, but I can't eat much.  There's a lump in my throat (non-cancerous, thankfully).
Lindsey googles "how to increase blood platelets naturally" and there are a few easy things I can do, a few things I can eat.  But, who knows if they'll really help or not?  I'll do them because it can't hurt, but it doesn't feel like it will help either.  I am so disappointed...yeah, I already said that...
I'm dragging, but I'll feel better tomorrow.  I always do.  The news has to sink in so deep that it becomes part of me, and then I can move on and think about the next step.  But, it's hard.  I'm praying--always praying--and I know that whatever will be, will be.  Not much I can do about it now...except maybe a nice, long walk after dinner...
Happy 55th Anniversary to my mom and dad on August 15...  I love you more than words can say...