Mixed Bag

Wednesday, December 28, 2011: This post will be a mixed bag of thoughts and happenings and test results. I love telling about the thoughts and happenings...not so thrilled about the test results. So, if anyone asks me in person about it, I'm telling them that the results are not in yet, which is not really a fib because they aren't. But, I'll tell more in this one post and nowhere else. I'm tired of it already and I just found out yesterday. So, there you have it.

Christmas warmed my heart and soul. I am grateful for my family and the love they bring to my life. I had all six little grands and all five of my children in one spot several times over the past few days, and I was blown away by the wonder of it all. I love them all dearly. I love the hugs, the kisses, the whispered secrets in my ear, the smiles and uplifted arms when they see me, the spontaneous squeezes and giggles. I love when we're so happy, we cry. I loved going to church on Christmas Day--all 13 of us--and singing of Christ, speaking of Christ, and worshipping Him. It was the best Christmas gift ever.

Yesterday was my visit with Dr. Grossmann to get the results of the PET scan. The appointment was at 3:30 PM and after a fun few hours wandering the mall and buying some yummy smelly stuff and eating in the food court, it was a total downer to have to stop "playing" and go to the doctor. Ugh. Chelsea and Lindsey were my supporters and pillars of strength, and I am grateful that they were there with me...because the news was not great. It wasn't the worst, but it was not what I wanted to hear. On a positive note, the two areas of initial concern were no longer an issue--the bump below my shoulder blade didn't show up and the spots in my neck didn't show up. That was good. What was bad--and Dr. Grossmann admitted he hates doing these extensive PET scans because they usually always show something ELSE to worry about--was that there was a spot in my "duodenum", which is (I had to look it up on Google): "The duodenum is a short part of the small intestine that connects to the stomach." Dr. G showed us the PET scan images (which, again, are very cool to see) and indeed, there was a bright red/yellow spot just below my stomach. So weird. He doesn't know what it is and that's why we do scans every three months - to catch what is unknown and unseen. I have to have an endoscopy (which sounds delightful, doesn't it?) and then, we'll go from there. My notes from Dr. G state that if it is nothing, we go back on the "careful observation" of 3-month scans. If melanoma shows up, it may require surgery to remove it (which is extensive and risky) OR radiation and/or chemo. If by any chance it turns out to be another type of cancer (heaven forbid), another specialist would be called in to deal with it, whether by surgery and/or treatments. The endoscopy is not yet scheduled (as of the time of this writing, which is 12 noon on Wednesday--why haven't they called yet???), so I'm in limbo once again. I did make a follow-up appointment with Dr. G for January 10 at 3:30 (labs at 3:00), so that's in place. It's just the not knowing that wears me down. Today, I haven't even combed my hair or put on makeup yet. I might have to boo-hoo a bit before that happens.

But, through it all, I know I will be blessed. Whatever this is, we can fight it. If it turns out to be an inflammation, we can medicate and fix it. If it turns out to be melanoma in a new spot, we can remove it and zap it. If it turns out to be a new cancer, we can fight that one, too. I say "we" because I am never alone in this thing. Of that, I am certain.