From Weak to Strong

Yesterday, I had my appointment at the Wellness Center with Dr. Hansen.  I was so ready to begin this new phase of my well-being.  Lately, I have begun to feel much weaker and more fatigued, with weird symptoms that are affecting my every day life.  For one thing, my hands are tingly/numb, which makes it very hard to grip or type or write with a pen.  If you know me well, you know I love to write long-hand--everything from cards and letters to short stories.  And, as my family teases, that writing is done in "typewriter print."  Now, I can barely hold a heavy pen and it's hard to write legibly.  In fact, it looks horrible.  I don't like it at all.  It is also affecting my job--when you can't type accurately, it's frustrating.  So, I haven't been putting in the hours I would like with my wonderful job, which makes me feel guilty (for not helping more when they really need the transcriptionists) and powerless to contribute a few dollars to our expenses.  Another weird thing is that my legs and arms are much weaker than they were even a few months ago.  I'm back to the "days out of the hospital" feeling, which is not something I want to feel right now, if ever.  I'm not sleeping well either, blah blah blah.  Just done with feeling this way...

The appointment went very well, for the most part.  My few minutes with Dr. Hansen was informative, as she went over my health questionnaire.  I also liked the physical therapist, who was very kind and gentle.  They took my vitals (once again, my blood pressure was very low--really need to talk to Dr. Beckstead about stopping my Losartan or at least decreasing the dosage) and had me wear a heart monitor through the evaluation.  My first test was on the treadmill.  The two doctors were standing on either side of me and encouraged me to hang on to the balance bars as we started.  Every few minutes, they asked how I felt on a rating system of 0 to 10, 0 being no real stress at all.  At first, it felt great to be moving.  If I could have stayed on that level, I would have been happy.  But, very gradually, the speed and the incline was increased.  All the time I was walking, we were talking about Bear Lake and their cold winters, since Dr. Hansen had just bought a cabin at Bear Lake.  I was getting more and more tired, even anxious, and finally said, "Okay, I'm done," right in the middle of someone's sentence.  Unfortunately, I think I had waited too long because the very few seconds it took to decrease the speed and incline were torture and I honestly felt like I would fall off or start bawling.  Part of me was upset to be so weak...I was barely on the machine more than 5 minutes!  It was hard to take.  The other tests only confirmed how much muscle I have lost--strength tests, balance tests, etc.--and I was pretty depressed by the time we were finished.  At one point, I told the therapist how sorry I was and he said, "Don't ever apologize.  This is what you can do now and we'll help you increase your strength so you can test better in the future."  That made me feel a little better, but honestly, I felt so OLD. 

The next step is the doctors will go over all my tests and write me a "physical therapy prescription", just for me.  I will go back in a couple of weeks to get that prescription, which will be entered into the computer so that any of the physical therapists will have access to it.  Then, I made appointments to go into the workout room twice a week through May (I'll have to play June by ear with school ending and Chelsea's baby coming, etc.).  It feels good to have a plan, but I am really so tired of being tired and not feeling normal.  Ugh.

It has been two years since my initial diagnosis. Just a few days ago, on May 1, it marked one year since my "Whipple" surgery.  Sometimes I look at all I've had to give up because of this devil cancer, which now includes the writing bit I talked about, and resigning from the Symphony Chorus.  I will probably never go back to the chorus--my voice is not the same and I'm sure I couldn't pass an audition.  I am too skinny and unrecognizable to most people who haven't seen me in a while, and I don't like it.  Anyone who says, "Wow, you look so good," hasn't looked close enough to see the real me.  I don't like it.  I would gladly have an extra 20 pounds if it meant I felt better and wasn't so weak or tired.  I have not only lost over 100 pounds in two years., but I have lost an inch in height.  I am now 5'8".  Probably getting older has contributed to this, but I think not having that core strength in my abdomen and chest has shriveled me up, too.  I will never be able to wear heels again to church and other fancy events--I am too wobbly and unsteady in them and it's hard for me to stand up without being flat-footed.  But, then again, what I have gained, experience-wise, is priceless and I wouldn't trade that either.  I am stronger in faith and hope than ever before.  I know God has a plan for my life and He won't take me one day before that plan is fulfilled.  I know it.  "The flesh is weak, but the Spirit is willing," has a whole new meaning in my life.  I hope that where some doors have closed, others will open so that I can find more joy in this journey.

(Picture:  Chelsea and I in another time and place...)