It's Okay

This week, I will most likely finish up the 20 radiation treatments Dr. A wanted me to have. Today was No. 17. I have felt a bit of change. The tumor in my back seems to be smaller - Dr. A agreed. The tumor in my groin seems unchanged, other than the "softness" described at our last visit. I don't know what to think. I wanted it to be "abracadabra" magic and shrunk to nothing by now. I'll probably meet with Dr. A after tomorrow's treatment, so I want to ask her if one more week would make any difference or if that's even a choice. I also see Dr. G on Wednesday before my 2nd IPI infusion. I'm interested in his take on all this, too. I just want them gone. What about surgery... and why would I even consider surgery? Sometimes cancer makes me feel like I'm grasping at straws, hoping and praying the good outweighs the bad. So far, it has. But what happens when it doesn't... While waiting for my brief meeting with Dr. A last week, I read a cute article on her bulletin board. It was written by a little boy battling cancer. I didn't have anything to write on or with (after all, I was still in a hospital gown, mostly naked from the waist down; I feel so dignified during treatment--NOT!!), so I tried to remember the highlights. I love his words. "Jumping on the bed is exercise. Don't worry about anything that isn't happening today or tomorrow. Erase bad things in your past with ice cream. It's okay to throw a tantrum five minutes before you leave to go to the hospital. Scars are your badge of courage and can help you look like a pirate or a Superhero." Such wisdom from such a little boy. In spite of my "slow responder" status, I still feel that I have gained strength in the past few months. Remember in the summer when I wasn't strong enough to stand up from a sitting position without pushing myself off the chair or couch? I can now! Yesterday at church, I held my friend's baby while she filled out some sign-up sheets, and since he was a little bit fussy, I stood up to bounce him. Before I even thought about it, I was using my leg strength to stand up! Little blessings. I can climb stairs. I can put on my pants without balancing against something. I may need a nap every day from the effects of radiation, but I have energy to do other things, like fix dinner and do the dishes and clean bathrooms and vacuum with my way-too-heavy vacuum. More blessings. I don't know what will happen next. Dean's company changes insurance the first of October and I'll need all that new-found energy to "fight", I'm sure. Ugh. Not at all happy with that situation. But, I'll finish the IPI infusions scheduled for September 25, October 16, and November 6. After that is a big question mark. But, it's okay. I have the holidays to look forward to, Janessa's 17th birthday, the birth of a new baby grandSON (Aaron & Lindsey), the celebration of 3 years as a melanoma survivor, and everything after that. I'm grateful that I have great, caring doctors who are always one step ahead of this wicked disease and ready to give me those straws to grab with both hands. I also have great, caring people who surround me with love, encouragement, service, and prayers every single day. And of course, I have a great, caring, loving, kind Heavenly Father who whispers to me through his gentle Spirit that everything is for a reason and He holds me in his arms through it all. It's okay. How could it not be?