On Hiatus

For any who have wondered how my 3-month hiatus is going (until next scans in May), I am doing well. I have my ups & downs, of course. I'm eating better - and gaining weight, which is not really a good thing, since I tend to eat the worst things. I've got a goal to give up sugary treats - candy, cookies, cake - as soon as I eat the mandatory Reese's peanut butter Easter eggs and a few pink Peeps! I can tell that it affects me in ways that I don't need or want & I know, deep down, that cancer loves white refined sugar. So why would I purposely put that junk in my body? Am I crazy? Addicted is more like it. That ends next week. It will be hard, but I've done hard things & I know I can do it again. I want to feel better, body & mind, and I want to feel motivated to exercise to make what muscles I do have stronger. I want to stop cancer without resorting to surgery or radiation or chemo. It seems so simple, to starve those nasty cancer cells and make them disappear on their own. 

I also believe that God gave me these three months to worry about something other than myself. Dean had a terrible case of bronchitis that went on & on until he finally got on meds, Janessa has gone through some health issues that needed my attention, and other family members have needed time, love, and support that I've thankfully felt well enough to give. Amazing how that works, isn't it? And it's great to know that He is so aware of each of us individually that His blessings are exactly what is needed at exactly the right time. He is my source of strength, always.

One of the blessings I recently received was being able to go to the temple with my sweet niece, Audrey. She's preparing to begin a full-time mission in Mexico in a couple of months. She is currently a student at BYU & chose to go to our beautiful Bountiful temple. It was a special, sacred experience & I was grateful to share it with her, my mom, two of my sisters, & my Aaron and Lindsey. Again, it was a blessing in this time of waiting & being well enough to participate in such life-changing events.

It will soon be Easter. It will be a low-key celebration this year at our house, but we will certainly be counting our numberless blessings. Because Christ loves me, I try harder to be better every day. There will be more updates as time goes by, but for now, I'm enjoying the service I can give to others. It may be small, but my heart is full of gratitude to be at a point of giving instead of taking...

(Pictures: the beautiful Bountiful Temple and an Easter picture taken in about 1967)

Another Year

Last week, March 7, marked the 3-yr anniversary of my melanoma diagnosis. The past three years have been a roller-coaster ride: surgeries, radiation, chemo, pain, sleepless nights, tumors in weird places, bills in the multi-thousands of dollars, countless doctor visits, driving up & down the hill to Huntsman or the U of U, prayers, scans & MRIs, miracles, hope, good news, new baby grandsons (3 of them!), Mom-scares & hospitalizations & recoveries, my girl dating & driving, a little black puppy who loves to snuggle and sleep under my blankets, and many, MANY other hiccups and blessings. To say I am grateful would be like saying I'm human... Well, duh! I am beyond grateful. I am here, I am alive, I am functioning, I am a result of many miraculous mercies that seemed unreachable - but "nothing is impossible with God." I pray to be here in three - or twelve or thirty - years, counting blessings and enjoying every second with my sweet family.

Last week, I saw Dr. Adler to follow-up on my pancreatic enzyme meds. Yes, I'm doing much better, but not as perfectly as I had hoped. Still have stomach aches, which I hate. They sap my strength. He gave me a few tips - cut out obvious white sugar sources, like cookies, candy, & cakes, and watch out for onions & peppers etc. There goes most of my diet! He also admitted that another side effect of the Whipple surgery (haven't I had to endure them all?) is that because part of my pancreas has been removed, the remaining part will eventually atrophy. Great. How long is "eventually"? He also said that, unfortunately, in "ten or fifteen years", I might develop diabetes, which the pancreas also helps to control. I should have shuddered at the thought of diabetes, but my ears and my heart were somersaulting at the hope of 10-15 years down the road! To see my girl married with babies, to see my grandchildren growing up & going on missions & graduating from college & marrying in the temple...these are dreams I cherish and want to experience. To be alive, even with diabetes, would be an awesome answer to prayers. 

All in all, I am grateful for what I've learned over the past 3 years. I wish I didn't know what I know, but if I had to have this trial in my life, I'm thankful for knowledgable doctors and ongoing studies & trials & treatments that have brought me this far. This is a time of ground-breaking hope and scientific revelation which are blessing thousands of people everywhere. I am just one of many, but so happy to be one.

Lovely A-Plus

I had my regular 3-month check up scans and brain MRI done late in the afternoon on Tuesday. Even though the procedures were quick, my stomach was in turmoil after drinking the contrast. Ugh. I was even in a little bit of pain lying there on those tables, so I was ultra-happy when things were finished. For the first time, I had to re-do one of the MRI scans because the tech could see "movement". Weird, especially since I know I've drifted off before & have jerked myself awake again without having a noticeable "movement".

Wednesday morning, Linds & baby Will came with me to see Dr. Grossmann for the results. Will was an angel-baby and stole the show. Everyone loved him. He is so precious. Dr. G came in grinning and in a GREAT mood, which is always a good sign. The first thing he said to me was that my scans were "lovely" and everything looked wonderful. Really? Truly? I actually clapped for joy. I love how he goes through each image, explaining what has been there for a while & remains the same or what has shrunk because of treatment (groin & back tumors) or what has disappeared entirely (liver). He expressed the wish that he could assign one radiology technician to read the same patient's scans so the new ones wouldn't "freak out" if they saw something unfamiliar. I'd have to agree. Sometimes I've read their reports and wondered why there was such a "doomsday" feeling compared to Dr. G's optimism. He told us that there are some people who, years later, are still receiving the benefits of IPI. How cool is that? I'm going to be here a long, long time! He also said the MRI was "A-Plus" and that this was a "best news day". So awesome. Thank you, God.

After looking at the scans, Dr. G said he wanted to see & measure the back and groin tumors. I showed him the back one first, and suddenly, he became very excited. He told Linds to come over and look at what he was seeing. He also told me to look in the mirror when I got home and see what he was so pleased about. Where the radiation had burned my skin, there were now little "white spots" that were de-pigmentization from the treatment. (I know I'm not going to get across the scientific terms & meanings - even I don't fully understand it - but hopefully this will tell the gist of it. I really need to look up this process and research it.) The spots were evidence that treatment effects were continuing and that my good, cancer-fighting cells were "fighting" the dead, burned cells, recognizing that they were not normal. He was ecstatic that I'm still responding. He also said that this could happen in my hair or on my scalp and that some people call them "leopard spots". So interesting. I'm grateful for his explanation and his enthusiasm that it's a good thing because I think if I had discovered it first, I would have freaked. What in the world is THAT? 

The only bad news of the day was that my blood counts are still terribly low. Dr. G said that my body has become so used to these low levels, it compensates & gives me enough energy to handle my every day life. He looked at Linds and said, "If you or I had these low numbers and tried to walk 10 steps, we'd be 'whupped'." He finally ordered that I get 2 units of blood, and Linds & I couldn't have been happier. We've been waiting for this and hope/pray that it makes a difference & tells my blood marrow to ramp up production of my own good blood cells. I'm also praying that it gives me energy and maybe some "roses" in my cheeks. We'll see...

So, I went home yesterday with my port accessed (that was kind of strange, too) and came in early this morning to get my two units of blood. Linds texted me and asked, "Do you feel like a vampire yet?" YES!

I love Dr. G's optimism and hope. There is no beating around the bush - he tells it like it is and treats me like a long-term survivor. Yesterday, he asked how my singing was going and I had to tell him that I had had to give it up. It made him sad to hear that, and he said he would try everything he could to get me back to my "cool hobby." I love that he thinks of that when he sees me and he remembers it. I'm very grateful for his compassion and expertise. I always leave his office feeling more powerful and armed with knowledge. 

My sweet oldest grandson celebrated his birthday last week. He's growing up. It's wonderful to see.

  

Love Pics

(Daddy Aaron holding the hand of his perfect little son...a treasured moment...)

 I know I haven't blogged lately; maybe because there is more to "show" than there is to "tell". News on the medical side is pretty boring right now--for a few more days anyway--which is just how we like it. Scans are happening in four more days & it's hard to believe 3 months have gone by since the last ones. But that's not to say that life hasn't been a-movin' and a-shakin'! Just enough to keep me busy and on my toes, which is a great boost to the energy level, as well as the quality of sleep when I do finally crash. The Creon meds (my pancreatic enzymes) are working tons better since I was taught how to take them properly, so that has been a blessing. Food isn't very fun when it becomes a constant worry...

Now for the "showing": This has been a dreary, cold winter for me. The house is never warm enough & is only tolerable when I wear a sweater or jacket inside (I feel like Mr. Rogers--now I understand changing into a zip-up sweater right after walking through the door! I do it, too!) So, the following "love pics" have warmed my heart and kept me from tipping over the edge of sadness due to lack of sunshine & fresh air. It's been tough! 

January is brighter because of my tall, thin, teenaged girl who celebrated her 17th birthday without too much hoopla (our car was in the shop all day, so we had to be content to watch movies under our fleece blankets). She makes me smile daily, cry once in a while, and laugh when I really need it. What a gift she is! The picture of her as a sweet chubby baby with my darling dad was a warm way to celebrate his 75th birthday at the end of January. We miss him hourly...  And our chub-a-bubba, Jax, is now 7-months old, as of January 28. Papa Roy must giggle every time he sees these precious babies!

February has already enlarged my heart & filled it with love for my wonderful family. On February 5, our little Jane celebrated her 4th birthday with balloons and berry-filled cake and lots of girly-gifts...AWESOME! But the best gift of all (though she may argue that fact as she gets older!) was the birth of her brand-new baby brother later that afternoon! Will Calvin was born about 5:30 PM on February 5. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz, was almost 20 in long, and has the cutest, roundest face & little boy "haircut"! We are all completely in love with him. In the words of his proud daddy, he is "perfect"! We've kissed his velvety-cheeks, snuggled his tiny body, and watched, mesmerized by his every breath & movement. He has captured our hearts.

Finally, no pics, but February 9 marked our 35th anniversary. 35 years? How can that be? Some days, it feels like forever--other days, it was a blink of an hour. Crazy life.

Enjoy the "showings". I feel warmer already.

Light & Dark

I'm sitting in the sun, moving the chair as the light scoots across the sky, and it feels sooo good, but not quite enough. I almost want it to scald me, like when I turn the knob to the hot water in the shower until it bites - yes, I really do that. It doesn't help my dry, itchy skin, but it soothes me for a few seconds , and so I continue to sit here, wishing there was more warmth and more light coming through the panes of glass. I hesitate writing this post because I'm depressed - mostly from the lack of light & warmth in my world of winter inversion - but also because I'm carrying some heavy burdens right now. Emails & texts have gone out (phone service is still sketchy), but everyone has their own weight to carry and I don't want to make this a sob-fest. So, I'll move my chair one more time before the sun goes behind the house across the street & I"ll resist crawling under my fleece blanket on the couch until I've finished this post. No more complaints for now. No more to say. Today's sob story ended.

I went to see Dr. Adler at the University last Thursday. My memories of him from two years ago we're not that complimentary; I thought he was blunt, hurried, and a little too high-and-mighty. This time, he came into the room cheerful, personable, concerned for my well-being, and ready to shake my hand. What a pleasant switch! We talked about my Whipple surgery and the symptoms that brought me to his office this time. We talked about the effect of having one-third of my pancreas surgically removed & how that relates to my symptoms now. We talked about my Creon prescription and how it should help my body absorb nutrients, digest food properly, and get rid of waste normally, none of which it was doing effectively. He asked if I had been told how to take the pills and I admitted that the only direction I  had received was what was written on the prescription bottle: Take 2-3 capsules with every meal and snack. He said, "When are you taking them?" I told him I usually take 2 after every meal. He shook his head. "That's the worst time to take them." He further explained that if I'm taking the capsules AFTER a meal, I'm already playing "catch-up", and because of my shortened bowel, the food has already moved quickly through the tract & is pretty much "on its way out" before the Creon enzymes can take effect. If I take them BEFORE the meal, the enzymes are ahead of the food & have no positive action in digestion or absorption. The ideal method for taking the enzyme is to have 3 capsules at my plate: take one before I start to eat, take one midway through the meal, and take the final capsule right as I finish. "Even waiting 10 minutes after a meal is too long," he said, which is what was happening 90% of the time. No wonder I wasn't getting any relief after taking the capsules! Dr. Adler said he was amazed at how often people were NOT told the proper way to use the Creon. Someone is falling down on the job somewhere! He said he expected I would feel more normal within a matter of days. Wow! Already there is a dramatic difference. I'm very encouraged. He also showed me the latest CT scan of my pancreas and just what the "cut end" looks like. He said that if this proper way of taking the Creon doesn't work, the next step would be to investigate if that "end" is properly sealed. If it isn't, it could come down to being surgically repaired. But, Dr. Adler (and others, including myself) has only good things to say about my surgeon, Dr. Scaife, so that is a very remote possibility. Thank goodness. I certainly don't want another pancreas surgery in my lifetime. I go back to see Dr. Adler on March 4 to see how things are working out.

That was definitely a "good news" day & I needed it desperately. It was a sweet answer to prayers and I was very grateful. It was a ray of sunshine and a burst of warmth that offered some relief to the gray, hazy skies that even the sun can't penetrate. Tiny drops of mercy (and this darling 6-month old!) are keeping me going...

Something Right

When the phone rang the other day and Caller ID said, "University of Utah," I answered it and held my breath. It was Dr. Shami, at last! (Isn't it great that some of these doctors still make their own follow-up calls? I love it.)  He apologized for taking so long in getting back to me with the results of the bone marrow biopsy & explained that they had tried to run EVERY test to rule out what could be causing the low blood counts. Ultimately, they found NO melanoma or leukemia or Myelodysplastia in my blood marrow! The chromosome testing also came back normal. Normal! It gave me goosebumps! Dr. Shami did say that there was not a lot of tissue in the biopsy to test for someone my age, but he attributes that to my recent chemo & radiation. He also admitted that he has no explanation for the low blood counts, other than that those same treatments have depleted the counts substantially, and that, hopefully, they can be built up again. He said to continue my follow-up visits with Dr. Grossmann, but that there wasn't anything going on with me where his services would be required. I said this was good news, and he said, "Yes, it is, it's very good news." I am so relieved.

Still waiting to hear about my stomach bloat, but the worry-voice in my head isn't sounding a blaring alarm right now, so I can be patient. For now...

Here are some pics from the holidays. They make me smile! Avery decorating a gingerbread man on Grammy day, Jane & Ally in front of one of the decorated shop windows at the Grand America, and lunch at Spagetti Factory with Knox & Silly Olive!

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Happy 2014

First day of the new year! I didn't roll out of bed until almost 10 AM, even though we were fast asleep by 1 AM this morning. Just ask Janessa - it was another boring New Year's Eve with a movie, Papa Murphy's pizza, watching the ball drop in NY Times Square, and a goblet of "bubbly" (sparkling cider) at midnight. She would have much preferred hanging out with someone - ANY one other than Mom & Dad - but such is life. Maybe next year?

I am grateful to see 2014. There was a time (March 2011) when I didn't think there was anything beyond a few months at most. But today, sitting here in my jammies, with a tummy full of omelet, watching the Rose Parade, I believe anything is possible: the promises of 2014 - with a new baby grandson in February and all the rest - to the promises of 2015 - with Janessa's graduation from high school - to everything that follows. I feel okay. My nagging questions come from not knowing, whether it's the endless waiting for test results or wondering how we can afford our medical bills & still plan some fun family times - that's what weighs me down. 

I'm still (3 weeks later) waiting for the results from the bone marrow biopsy. I've called Dr. Shami's office twice & still no word. I called Dr. G's office yesterday because I had questions about what I feel is a bloated stomach (weird symptoms) & they're going to help me talk to someone more knowledgable about the pancreatic enzymes I take after every meal, which don't seem to be working as well as they used to. More waiting... The lack of information does seem to lean toward a "non-serious" prognosis, but I can't quite believe that yet. I make excuses for the holiday bustle keeping normal business from moving forward, but not sure that's correct. Everyone wants to know if I've heard anything yet - believe me, you'll know when I know. I'm also still waiting (7 weeks later!) for my new contacts, but don't get me started on that fiasco. It just makes my blood boil!

I loved my family time this holiday season. Spent "Grammy-time" with all 7 grands & it was heaven. Wish we could have done more together (sometimes my energy and the cold temps & bad air quality outside keep me inside my "cave" like an old sleepy bear), but I treasured the precious moments we did have. I have a fantastic family. I love them dearly.

I pray for a wonderful year ahead. I pray for more hope, more miracles, more good news, more strength, more laughter, more love, more patience, more hugs, more spiritual experiences, more happy memories, more comfort, more courage, more answers, more dreams coming true, and more joy in every day life.