Tuesday, September 27, 2011: Sometimes I forget that this journey of mine is not just a physical healing - from surgeries, biopsies, tests, lab work, countless doctor visits and health questionnaires - but it requires emotional healing, too. I forget that just as my wounds are still fragile and painful to the touch, so is my little tender soul. I forget until some little thing that usually wouldn't matter much sends me crashing to a halt. I've kind of been "beat up" this month, me and my family, and after 27 days of it, we're just a bit sensitive to pain and stress. So, I cry a few tears and mutter a few complaints...and then, pick myself up and go on. I hope my family - especially Dean and Janessa - will forgive me and know that someday I really will be better.
Monday, I went to see Dr. Beckstead, my primary care physician. It was a late appointment - 4:00 PM - so, I picked up Ness at school, took her all the way home, drove all the way back up to town - and it was still just 3:30. I decided that I would go to the Physical Therapy place across from the Bountiful Clinic and make some appointments to start therapy on my neck and shoulder. As this latest wound starts to heal, it's getting tighter and "ropier", and since I'm still dealing with tightness and tingling on my right side, I figured some physical therapy to loosen up the neck would be worth it. Also, I have a little diminished mobility in my left shoulder this time around, probably from a sensitive nerve that got "touched" too much. I find myself struggling (just a bit) to put deodorant under that arm (can't quite lift my arm high enough). I also realized the other day that when I try to put my hot rollers in my hair, I'm kind of "trembly" with raising up that arm. Funny how I think standing on my tiptoes is going to help me reach higher with my arms! It's a little frustrating, but Dr. Bradley warned me about this and I fully believe that the full mobility will come back with a little tender care and exercise. SO, I made my first appointment! Next Monday morning, bright and early after I drop off Ness at school, I'll go and be evaluated and then, we're off to the races! It felt good to get that all arranged.
I was still a little early to my appointment with Dr. Beckstead, but I checked in and sat down with my library book to wait. (I had also made an appointment for Dean to get the cough that he's had for 3-plus weeks checked out, for my sanity and his!) I read a few pages, but couldn't really concentrate with all the littles and bigs getting flu shots and check-ups and pregnancy tests, etc. Late afternoon appointments are not the best...all the back-up from the day squashes together...and there we wait. Finally, I was called back to a room, weighed (for those keeping score, I'm now down 43 lbs from March), blood pressure taken (high again), and then kept waiting for the doc. Oh me oh my... Dr. Beckstead appears about 15 minutes later, takes a good look at me (I haven't seen him since March) and says, "You've been on quite a journey, haven't you?" Yes, indeed. He asks how the shots AND pills are going. Pills? I'm supposed to be taking the pills, too? I tell him that Dr. Bradley explained that I do the shots FIRST and then go on to the pills, and he shakes his head sadly and says that he wanted me to do BOTH. Now, he won't be able to test my blood today. How frustrating. I'm deflated. He explains how the shot's benefit is instantaneous, but not long-lasting. When combined with the pills, there is a better overall effect to get the blood thinned and "maintained". The combination is "therapeutic", whatever that means. He wants me to start taking the pills as soon as I get home and then every morning. Since we've missed a few days of the pills, I'll probably have to do the shot regimen longer. Ugh. He tells me to come back on Wednesday for a blood test and explains that he wants my score to be between 2 and 3 (as the number gets higher, the blood is thinner). Too thin is not good. I want those magic numbers of 2 or 3. He gives me a medical website where I can go and see my own scores and keep track. I like that. He also gives me a "standing order" prescription to the lab, where I can go and get my blood tested anytime. But then he drops another bomb - I'll probably have to be on the Coumadin for 8-9 MONTHS!!! This is devastating to me - I'm the non-pill taker. And, Dr. Beckstead continues, if you ever get another blood clot, you'll be on it for the rest of your life. Oh, lovely. With each new detail of news, my soul gets heavier and heavier.
I leave his office feeling like I've wasted time and money today, just because of a little mis-communication between the two doctors and myself. I want to get better, not stand still or go backward. Then, my car won't start right away. It's just one more thing on a pile of ashes that is already crumbling. I have a little meltdown when I get home.
I've got to remember that the emotional hits need attention, too. I've got to remember to rest. I've got to remember to eat something healthy (Swedish fish don't count). I've got to remember to listen to good music that makes me know God is near. I know I'll look back on this and have no memory of the little hiccups that happened, which is a good thing. I just have to keep praying and trusting in a loving Father to get me through the bumps, as I heal physically and emotionally.
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