Anxious (an understatement)

Friday, April 20, 2012:  It's been a week since my last post.  Honestly, I've thought about posting every day and have even had it on my "to do" list all week.  It's been a stressful week for me because I've had to do things I hate, like deal with finances and paperwork and documents and decisions and the big bad Unknown.  Still trying to refinance our mortgage.  Enough said.  Not enough money in our bank account.  More than enough said.  Pre-op appointment.  I'll just say blood work and EKG that may or may not have been accurate, and that's all I want to say.  Scary stuff.  The surgery is looming closer and I am anxious.  Those voices in my head keep whispering, "what ifs", and I don't like it to think about that.  Every new twinge makes me wonder how much this beast has grown in all the waiting.  I even worry that my few extra pounds this week are due to all the Easter candy I've consumed or a tumor the size of a softball.  Talking to the nurse about my surgery concerns only reminded me that I've been down this road two times too many in the past 13 months.  I think about coming out of anesthesia and looking at the clock to see if I've been out three hours or eight.  I worry about my family, sitting in uncomfortable waiting room chairs, only to get the bad news that they'll be there many more hours.  No wonder my tummy is tied up in knots and the tears are close, whether I'm dealing with loan requirements or disability requirements or ten new bills in the mail or one more person asking how I'm doing.  To top off this stress, I freeze and burn at night.  I go to bed cold, with socks on my feet and long-sleeved/legged jammies, only to wake up too hot.  I throw the covers off and imagine the trapped heat from my body floating to the ceiling in giant waves.  Five minutes later, I'm cold again and back come the blankets.  I should be grateful I don't wake up drenched in sweat, like some my age.  But, dang it, did menopause really have to decide to give me grief NOW?

In spite of all this anxiety, I am blessed.  I read this scripture yesterday and it was a ray of sunshine.  "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good."  ALL THINGS, working together.  He doesn't just say SOME things or a FEW things - He says ALL.  All the silly things I'm worried about will work together for my good.  I'm surrounded by people who are praying and believing and doing things to help me - you know who you are and I love you.  He is there, too.  He has given me a little rain, a little sunshine, a little flower, a little ballgame distraction last night, a little patch of green grass for my backyard in the coming week, and a whole bunch of hope.  I cling to that.  It will help me fly over this bump in the road.
(Picture:  Dad and Mom and me one lovely Sunday afternoon...)