Canceled

Tuesday, April 3, 2012: By the title of this post, many are going to think something big is up, but it's not really. No, everything is still on - still waiting to hear about the surgery and the trial and all the big things coming up in my life. But, today I did something I didn't ever think I'd actually want to do - I canceled a follow-up appointment with the doctor who has been with me from the very beginning of this journey, my wonderful Dr. Josh Bradley. There was a time, about six months ago, that I was petrified I'd come to the end of my association with Dr. Bradley. He literally saved my life with the initial biopsy and diagnosis and neck resection, and he's been my hero ever since. So, I think he's extended our follow-ups and check-up visits longer than he really needed to, just to give me the reassurance I've needed all these months. A few months ago, I got a simple earache ,and being the Super-Hero Ear/Nose/Throat doctor that he is, he treated me, cleaned all the junk out of my dry, flaky, radiation-burned ear canal and has continued to "follow-up" every six to eight weeks or so, just to make sure all is well. I knew I had another appointment with him coming up next Monday morning, and in light of all the other appointments I've had - and WILL have in the next few weeks - I've had a nagging feeling that I should save a few "co-pay" bucks and cancel the appointment. I've waffled back and forth for a few days, saying, "No, I should go and tell him the latest developments," or "Yes, I should cancel since I'm really fine from the neck up!", back to "No, I want to keep seeing him..." Finally, today, the "no's" won. I called and canceled. Part of me feels that this is the end of the initial phase of my diagnosis, the sort of "innocent" phase, when I needed Dr. Bradley to lead me by the hand and be there for every next move. That's why this is so hard. It means I really have to "grow up" and be a big girl. I have to come to grips with the fact that there isn't much else left in the neck to cut out and I'll probably always have the dry, itchy ear canal on the right side. It means I have to move on to the "bigger guns" - the more serious oncology docs, the more scary procedures, the tougher statistics, the higher chances of relapse, the cursed scans that are much too sensitive and unforgiving. I've moved from Primary Care to Specialist, and that has its own pros and cons. I feel like I've lost part of my team, one of my arsenal of caregivers, who has cared and given so much to me this past year. I hope I did the right thing. I'm not so sure tonight...

(Picture: Lisa, Aaron, Ally, Lindsey, Avery, Janessa, and Dean at the Passey reunion at Bear Lake, 2008)