Wait, Worry & Wonder

Wednesday, April 25, 2012:  I am now down to six days and counting until the Big S.  It is torture to wait.  All I do is worry and wonder.  I have really had to shake myself to stop the morbid thoughts, too...the "what ifs".  I constantly pray for peace, for the shorter surgery, the quickest recovery, the strongest heart, the least amount of complications.  It has not helped matters that I've been cleaning out my closets and storage bins to prepare for the community garage sale--I feel a lot of closure as I sift through my "stuff", saying goodbye in a way.  When I get frustrated and discouraged and depressed, I think of President Uchtdorf's latest advice--"Just STOP IT!"  I WILL SURVIVE!  I will come back stronger and healthier and more resolved to live better.  This week, I gave up sweets (again) and started reading & drinking the "Green Smoothies" diet.  I definitely feel more in control without my chocolate and sugar high and I actually like my Green Smoothies.  I take 1 1/2 cups water, add a few slices of lemon (rinds & all--I read that it helps fight skin cancer), a few teaspoons of ground flaxseed, a few teaspoons of coconut milk, and about three handfuls of baby spinach and blend that all up really well.  Then, I blend in a cup of frozen mixed berries and half of a frozen banana.  I get about an 8-9-oz. serving.  I should be drinking two of these a day, but I'm starting out with one.  I'm hoping to lose the few pounds I gained over Easter, clean out my system, and get some good nutrients in there before the Big S.  I've also continued to do my 45-minute walk along Legacy Trail.  I'm hoping that helps to strengthen my heart for the procedure.  Of course, it's all baby steps a little late, but it feels good and that's what counts, right?

I went to the temple last Saturday and felt the "immediate goodness" of God.  For that hour, my anxieties were calmed.  My fears turned to trust.  He knows the Big Picture.  He knows my heart and my worries.  He knows about melanoma and how to fight it, and He teaches me daily how to be strong.  This Sunday, April 29, I'm going to fast through two meals.  I don't usually make an announcement that I'm fasting, but as Dean and Janessa talked about it in our weekly Family Council the other night, they decided that they wanted to join in.  Maybe others will, too.  I don't need to know and you don't have to tell me.  But if you do and you want to pray for me, specifically, these are my heart's desires (besides the ones I already listed at the beginning of the post):  calm and courage, slow-growing tumors, NED (no evidence of disease after the surgery), manageable pain, the shortest time in the hospital possible; and that Janessa will be comforted & taken care of with love.  No one knows her like I do, except God himself.  She needs me, and I need her.  I've got to live to see her raised and happy with her own little family.  This is my prayer, today and always.

(Picture:  Waiting for Janessa to be born--my water broke six & a half weeks before her due date, so we waited in the hospital for 10 days for her little lungs to develop before she could be born.  Waiting and worrying and wondering...again...)