Here we go again

Friday, March 9, 2012: Yesterday about 5:00, I was busily typing away for work when the phone rang. Caller ID said it was an "unknown number", so I ignored it. Later, after I finished the call I was transcribing, I checked to see if there were any phone messages. There was one.

"Hello, this is Dr. Adler for Lisa. I have your test results and would like to discuss them with you. Call me back when you can." Of course, I hurriedly dialed the number he left and it went to a voicemail for his nurse. Needless to say, I worried and fretted all night, even though I already knew what he was going to say. My stomach was in a knot and I really felt the same way I did one year and 2 days ago. How could that be, after all I've gone through? You'd think I'd have tougher skin by now - or at least a less rumbly tummy...

This morning, I woke up about two minutes before my alarm clock went off. I laid there with my eyes wide open in the dark and filled my head with all the "what ifs". I was making myself crazy-sick. I got up, waited until the standard hospital starting time of 7 AM, and started calling all the numbers I could find for Dr. Adler. More voicemails. I knew I'd soon be leaving to take my girl to school, so I pleaded with the ears listening to the messages to call my cell phone if I didn't answer my home phone. I was home again by 8:15 - a record, I think - and sure enough, there was the University of Utah Hospital phone number on my Caller ID again. I called and left another message. Finally, about 8:45, the phone rings and it's Dr. Adler. "The test results came back and it is metastatic melanoma."

Okay. Now what?

Dr. A asks if I already have a follow-up with Dr. Grossmann. I tell him, no. He says to call his office right away and make an appointment. After I agree to do that, he says, "I'm very sorry. We were all hoping it would be something different." Something different... like what? A little inflammation? A little infection? Just something...different... Yeah, me too.

I call Dr. G's office. Marilyn answers. I know these receptionists personally now, even though I'm just one drop in a bucket to them. She listens to my request and says they can get me in on Tuesday, March 13, at 8:30. I'm relieved. I write the appointment in my medical calendar and it seems so unreal to be starting all over with a new spot. Yep, here we go again.

I've got those old feelings back, too, like not being able to eat. It's funny how your body reacts to "bad news".

After I pick up my girl from school, we go to the grocery store. I usually try to shop on Friday mornings after I take her to school - the store is less busy and it just feels good to have it done before everyone else remembers that they need their weekly groceries. Not this morning. So, there we are in the aisles of Dick's Market, where we're slowly making our way to the bakery for their yummy glazed donuts, when my cell phone rings. The number looks slightly familiar, so I answer it. It's Karen, Dr. Grossmann's nurse. She asks how I'm doing. I'm okay, I say. She says that since they got the news this morning, they've been talking about me - Dr. Grossmann and Dr. Antebacka (not sure how to spell it, but I'm sure I'll know soon enough), who is a melanoma surgeon, and the rest of the team. She asks if my ears have been burning and I laugh. She asks if I have any questions she can try to answer before I come in on Tuesday. I ask her something I've been mulling over since Wednesday - what's the difference between a lesion and a tumor? She says a lesion indicates an "undefined mass" - not a node or a tumor, but something that needs further evaluation. There in the bread aisle, I ask her how extensive the surgery will be, and she can't answer for sure. She reassures me that we'll go through all that on Tuesday when we discuss treatment and that Dr. Antebacka's expertise will be at hand. I feel better after I talk to her, like she's one of my friends calling to make sure I'm okay. And I am, I really am. I'm just a little frightened about what lies ahead and how many times I may have to start over from Day One again...

I have not lost hope. I'm just mad at melanoma. A good friend was surprised that melanoma can exist in places that never see sun. Seems very unfair, doesn't it? Unfortunately, metastatic melanoma can sneak its way into lots of weird places, and if I knew what makes it land and stick, I'd do my best to blow it out of the water. As it is, I only know to keep taking my supplements, eat those super cancer-fighting foods, and pray. Pray for miracles and hope, every day. I hate this thing that is taking so much time out of my life and choice out of my future. But, I can still choose to fight and I will. I'm determined to get these "lesions" cut out and burned up and be back to my normal self as quickly as possible. Again...

(Picture: Grammy and Avery in 2008 - look at that darling white-haired baby and that unscarred Lisa neck...)