Slow Goin'

Tuesday, March 27, 2012: Yesterday, I called one of Dr. Grossmann's nurses, Carolyn, to see if she could answer some of the questions I have bubbling up inside me since we got the news on Friday about my scans. Normally, I feel quite comforted after I talk to anyone in Dr. G's team, but I'm feeling a bit frustrated with the rate of speed we seem to be taking with this whole process. I realize it's good to talk through options and get a good overview of the situation, but honestly, I've had these little "spots" since December and they worry me. I'm constantly urging my fighter cells to keep them contained and not allow them to spread, but it has been three months (at least) now and I just want them gone. I asked Carolyn about the meeting on Friday with Dr. Scaife, the surgeon. She said the main objective is to help me feel comfortable about the option of surgery, especially if I choose to go with the Clinical Study. Dr. Scaife will go over the procedure, including complications that may arise, "down time", recovery, so that after our discussion, I can better decide if it's worth it to do surgery first or start immune therapy first. Obviously, the hope is that immune therapy will shrink the tumors and allow for a simpler surgery, while at the same time killing any stray cancer cells. But, since my scans do not show any "stray cells" at this time, am I a candidate for a simpler surgery to remove these bad boys completely and then begin immune therapy? It feels like an out-of-control merry-go-round and all we're doing is talking about it. I asked what happens after I talk to Dr. Scaife, and Carolyn just said that I can call Dr. G's office & arrange for either a sit-down discussion or a phone visit. Could I schedule that right now? I need a plan. Today, it feels like there is no plan, just talking. I was wishing I could have surgery or begin immune therapy next week when J is out of school for Spring Break. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about getting her to and from school and she would be home to help me if I needed it. But, at this snail's pace we're on, that's not going to happen. I was also hoping I'd have the worst of the worst over and done with by the end of April when the chorus is singing Mozart's "Requiem". Can't say whether that's going to happen either. I really can't plan anything right now and that sends me into a tizzy. I need a plan. I really need a plan. I've got another phone call in to Karen, Dr. G's other nurse, to call me today, but I haven't heard from her yet. I'm so used to having these appointments and procedures mapped out throughout my calendar, and right now, there is nothing ahead but uncertainty. I'm sure there will be a day when I'll wish the brakes were on the speeding train, but I hate this crawling speed. Can we just get on with it already?
(Picture: Four of the Grands - Lachlan, Jane, Avery, and Olive - at the indoor playground last week. I cleaned my camera lens after downloading all these pictures. Every shot has a "ghostly" shadow over the left side of the frame. Hmmm, fingerprints, maybe?)