You are what you lean on

Thursday, March 15, 2012: I heard a song recently with the lyric, "You are what you lean on," and though I've forgotten the rest of the song, that phrase has stuck with me. I realize I "lean" a lot - don't we all? How else would we make it through the hard parts of life without falling flat?

I want to tell of one of the questions I asked Dr. Grossmann the other day, and I know by telling it, I might re-bruise tender feelings of my wonderful family. Forgive me for bringing up these memories, but I just had to ask because I've been worrying about it.

Throughout the past year, I've considered myself "lucky" that I haven't had to have chemo. (I should have knocked on wood.) Radiation was bad enough. But, quite honestly, chemo scares me. When Dr. G started talking about IL-2 and the side effects of this toxin, I wanted to put the brakes on and say, "Whoa, hold up there." I told him about my precious cousin, Larry, and his fight against colon cancer a few years ago. I told him how Larry made it through surgery and all the treatments that followed the first onslaught with courage and determination to live for his sweet wife and baby boy. But, when the evil C came back and he began the tortuous chemotherapy, we watched him waste away before our eyes. He was so vulnerable and it was so hard and it took more than it gave back until our brave Larry just couldn't fight anymore. I've just never been able to wrap my head around the fact that chemo is supposed to be a GOOD thing, when it's literally a poison. I feel great right now - why oh why would I want to have poison injected into my blood and get sicker than I've ever been in my life. Why?

Dr. G listened to my anguish and then gave me some comfort. He explained that cancers are not created equal and what works to kill one may not work to kill another. He said that the chemo used with colon cancer patients is different than anything I will be exposed to. IL-2 is toxic, yes. But, it will not (hopefully) make me so sick that I'll wish for cancer over another dose.

I think I'm afraid to lose hope. I'm afraid that I'll lose the desire to live. I'm afraid that I'll want to give up, and that just cannot happen. I have so much to live for. I have a beautiful, supportive family. I have a teenager that I want to see become a wife and a mother. I have grandchildren that I want to see go to college and serve missions and play basketball and write books. I want to get a puppy. I want to go to Hawaii. I want to eat fish & chips in Piccadilly Square. I want to ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland again. I cannot be so sick that none of that matters. I refuse.

So, I'll continue to lean...on my family...my doctors...my Lord & Savior...my faith...my hope...my miracles. I've done plenty of hard things before. I can do this, too. And if, like the lyric says, I am what I lean on, then I'm going to be stronger than I've ever been before and able to beat this beast.

(Picture: my "writer" buddies--Colleen, Janet, & Karen--at our annual Christmas brunch, December 2011 - friends that keep me laughing while I'm leaning!)